Crockett Historical Museum

For the ultimate tour of Bay Area roadside attractions, you need to start in Crockett. That’s right, I said Crockett. Once known primarily for its chief exports — sugar and meth — the tiny town just below the Carquinez Bridge boasts not one but TWO opportunities for roadside marveling.

The first is the Crockett Historical Museum. Tucked away in the shadow of the glorious C & H Sugar Factory, you won’t find any pompous “vahhhses” or uppity marble statues in this museum. The permanent collection boldly blurs the line of what constitutes a valuable historical artifact and what is a box of your grandma’s yard sale leftovers. Some of the exhibits include: a photo of a ’70s man in short shorts standing next to an enormous fish, creepy toys, a charcoal portrait of Oliver North, a busted-up old switchboard (the last one used in California, actually), Hawaiian shirts from the sugar factory, and a whole room full of old yearbooks from John Swett High School. Each exhibit is lovingly displayed on a shelf, in a drawer, or in a curating style that could best be described as “piles.” If you want an unpretentious and authentic representation of a town, this museum has got you covered.

Bailey Art Museum

Just two blocks away is the crown jewel of Crockett, the Bailey Art Museum. Equal parts artist, inventor, and mustache, Clayton Bailey is a Wisconsin expat who settled in the rolling Carquinez Straits with artist wife (and high school sweetheart) Betty in the late ’60s. As his mad scientist alterego Dr. Gladstone, Bailey used to sculpt life-sized skeletons of cryptozoological creatures and then bury them in the hills above his house. He would then invite groups of unsuspecting school children on archaeological digs and wait for tiny minds to be blown forever as they unearthed Cyclops or Bigfoot. Other Bailey creations include gargoyles, cartoon face jugs, pop guns, “the urn of the unconceived,” gelatinous blob creatures, and — perhaps most noteworthy — robots. Bailey’s robots have appeared in a Playboy television special, the Sylvester Stallone film Cobra, and the dreams (or nightmares) of the many children lucky enough to catch sight of one of Bailey’s creations wandering the streets back in the ’70s and ’80s.

Once only a lucky few were granted a front row seat to Bailey’s creations, but in a Willy Wonka-esque gesture, the general public was finally allowed a peek behind the curtain in 2013 with the grand opening of the Bailey Art Museum. If you plan to visit, be sure to call ahead and if you’re lucky, Clayton and Betty Bailey will be there to walk you through their mad laboratory.

Pet’s Rest Cemetery

You wouldn’t think there would be much happening in Colma considering the majority of the population is dead but a visit to The Pet’s Rest Cemetery may change your mind. This pet cemetery is still in use and is nicely maintained. There is even at least one celebrity canine: Tina Turner’s dog is rumored to have been buried here, swaddled in one of the singer’s fur coats. Wander amongst the tiny tombs and remembrances of Rex, Spot, and Goldie, and let yourself ponder how a dog who lived for two years wound up in a nicer resting place than you likely will.

But don’t leave Colma yet. Be sure to swing by the Circus Showfolks of America Memorial at Olivet Memorial Park and visit clown graves with inscriptions like “There’s nothing left but empty popcorn sacks and wagon tracks – the circus is gone.”

Cinephiles will want to take a detour to the Holy Cross cemetery to find a couple of key shooting locations from adored ’70s cult film Harold and Maude. Thanks to the excellent website Reel SF, even the most navigationally-challenged can locate the site where Maude sat on a tombstone and cruised young proto-goth Harold.