Frightening AI Developments From 2024 to Laugh at While We Still Can

Hello friends! The end of 2024 is upon us! Was it good for you? Did you Brat Summer? Did you Moo Deng fall? Did you, um… get a teeny bit worried that the robots are coming to destroy us?

In many ways, this year’s tech advancements made real life feel alarmingly close to both Jurassic Park and Terminator 2. The former because humans are so preoccupied with whether or not they can, they haven’t bothered to stop and think about whether they should. The latter because, yes, evil humanoid machines are definitely on their way.

If, like me, you have the sinking feeling that one day in the not too distant future, AI technology is going to steal all of our jobs and could also probably murder us, we should take a second now to appreciate the moment we’re in. Because this moment — which inevitably won’t last very long — is one in which the robots are still basic enough to make fun of. Let’s do that while we still can.

Confused Ghost Cars

In mid-August, I saw a tourist in Chinatown catch sight of a driverless Waymo for the first time and clutch her children closer to her, as if Satan himself were behind the wheel. It was a solid reminder that these things remain unnerving to broad swaths of humans across America, even as a plethora of (overly confident) Bay Area residents use them to get from A to B.

Of all of the driverless car companies, none had a year quite as eventful as Waymo. Lest we forget that Waymo began 2024 by having one of its cars used as a fireworks launcher at the Chinese New Year celebrations in San Francisco, and ended the year stuck in a Veteran’s Day Parade getting manhandled by a frustrated cop. In between, Bay Area drivers dealt with Waymos on the freeway, Waymos stalling entirely at random, and Waymos having full blown meltdowns… in GROUPS.

@unilad This is the future…🤣🤦‍♂️ 🎥 Viralhog #UNILAD #fastandfurious #fail #electriccar #electric #tesla #waymo #amazon #driverlesscar #tech #techtok #technology ♬ original sound – UNILAD

These cars might look eerie, but they often behave like a raccoon drunk on fermented fruit: they think they’re doing all of the things, but simply cannot figure out how to do all of the things. It’s impossible to know at this pivotal junction whether or not driverless cars might one day go all Maximum Overdrive on us. But right now? If they do us any physical harm whatsoever, it won’t be on purpose. It will be because one of them is having a panic attack.

Imploding Chat GPT

In February, Chat GPT had a full-blown meltdown and started bombarding its users with phrases so flowery, convoluted and meaningless, they were practically Mars Volta lyrics.

Chat GPT user Damon Crockett reported on X that, after asking a question about JavaScript, he received, in part, the following: “The disk and the cue are for the onlooker and the sort of the amass to be in a free, a flood, and a fort to the reign and the response, the resolute and the realm you draw and dye.” (Tell me that doesn’t sound like an out-take from De-Loused in the Comatorium!)

Another user reported receiving the answer “Overgrown is overgrown is overgrown is overgrown is overgrown” after asking for a “synonym of overgrown.” (Maybe just try a thesaurus next time?)

Later in the year, it also became apparent that Chat GPT didn’t even recognize Eminem lyrics. What a freakin’ nerd.

Lying Optimus Robots

It was hard not to have a full-blown panic attack when Elon Musk unveiled his army of faceless droids back in October at Tesla’s We, Robot gathering. As the machines stomped through the event space, and videos played of the Optimus robots helping humans around the house, Musk made a series of claims about his robots’ capabilities.

“What can it do? It can do anything you want,” Musk stated. “It can be a teacher, or babysit your kids. It can walk your dog, mow your lawn, get the groceries, just be your friend, serve drinks. Whatever you can think of, it will do.”

The Optimus robots then proceeded to engage attendees in conversation, serve drinks and dance. This of course scared the bejesus out of those of us who don’t want our computers to come complete with hands that could choke us to death if the right virus is engaged.

The truth came out after the event, via Bloomberg and other outlets: Musk’s robot army had, in fact, been operated by an unseen group of technicians. Despite Musk’s claims, the Optimus robots are not yet capable of teaching your kids, walking your dog, mowing your lawn or getting the groceries. Nope. You’d still have to employ a human to make the robot perform those tasks.

Ignorant AI Image Generators

As we worry about just how many jobs AI generators are going to steal from creative humans, it’s also worth remembering this. Right now, those photo generators still don’t know what a glass of wine filled to the brim looks like, or that unlit birthday candles exist.

Please hang onto these tiny, stupid rays of sunshine. If nothing else, it’ll be something to tell the grandkids about when we’re all broke and living in underground bunkers hiding from robot dog soldiers.

Robot Dogs Walking Funny

Speaking of which… Remember that terrifying episode in Black Mirror’s fourth season when a woman is relentlessly pursued by murderous robot guard dogs? Of course you do! You’ve probably already had nightmares about it! Well, multiple companies are alarmingly close to unleashing these soulless metal creatures on the world right now. Several militaries around the world are already making use of them.

Just look at this horror show:

Now, before we all start having to routinely carry around flame throwers and grenades, let’s try and squeeze in some chuckles at their expense.

Look how this yellow one falls down and can’t get back up again! HA! (Also, maybe hit pause before the silver one shows up because that one looks like it could probably climb through your bedroom window tonight.)

Oh and, okay, please also enjoy this footage of a humanoid robot walking a robot dog. Together, they look like your Aunt Susan and Cousin Doris trying to get home from the bar on Christmas Eve.

THEY WALK FUNNY. HA. HA. HA.

We’re all definitely going to die.