Linh Nguyen saw herself in the Barbies she played with as a child, and learned a valuable lesson.
When I was little, I had a pink box filled with Barbies. I designed clothes and accessories for them, and the games I played with them were limitless. Eventually, I got bored of designing games and clothes, so I fixed them. I snipped large chunks of blonde hair from their heads, the strands falling like dead leaves on my kitchen floor, in soft taps. I painted their arms and legs red with nail polish, and dyed the little hair they had left with paint, the bitter, metallic scent coating the air. Despite all of this, their perfect smiles never left their faces.
By the time I entered middle school, I had stopped playing with them. My parents saw the mangled, red remains of the Barbies one day and convinced me to throw them away. Middle school was a big change for me – there were a lot more late nights, and I no longer had time to make up imaginary games. I started to lose confidence and was constantly worried that I was too short, too quiet, too strange. I wished I could go back to the days when I didn’t care what people thought, or what I looked like. Sometimes, I felt lonely as well, even though so many people surrounded me. I didn’t feel like they understood me, and I couldn’t confide in them.
At school, I kept a smile plastered on my face, like one of the Barbies I scribbled on, although a million things were happening below the surface. I kept pretending nothing was wrong, but the emotions I was bottling up kept building until they came out, ugly, angry, and mean.
I’ve worked on managing my emotions throughout the years, and I’m in a better place now. I found one of the Barbies I used to play with recently. It was one of the worst-looking ones, and its face was still in that silly little smile. Now, I realize that keeping the mask on makes things worse. Sometimes, you have to be vulnerable and let others help you, and sometimes you have to show your emotions. Showing your emotions isn’t weak, or ugly, it’s a way to heal and become whole again.