I would be more inclined to answer had there been a lull in the conversation or an awkward pause between topics. But no. I would be discussing jobsite issues or be in the middle of a sentence before someone would abruptly insert one of these questions at point blank. I would feel the redness in my face and the heat in my cheeks as I answered a polite and simple no. Some people would leave it at that. Some would continue to pry. And some would have the audacity to make snide remarks about how I would feel so comfortable eating alone.
Due to societal expectations and heteronormativity, I am embarrassed, infuriated, and befuddled when asked these questions. Oftentimes disguised as an attempt to get to know someone, I find it judgmental and pointless. A series of assumptions can only follow.
I was a volunteer at a professional organization for several years before I decided to take a break. An acquaintance there recently reached out to ask about my experience with a previous employer. As I was sharing my advice, he suddenly asked if I was married because that would explain why I no longer volunteered. What a poor assumption. Truth is: I had a major depressive episode and I needed to focus on myself.
I understand that some people may use these questions to find common ground for light-hearted conversations, but my advice is to stay away from these personal questions at professional settings. Best way to know someone—ask about their hobbies, what they like to do in their free time, and if it’s a professional setting, ask them about their projects. They’ll organically share their personal life if and when they want to.
With a Perspective, I’m Joyce Cheung.
Joyce Cheung is a civil engineer and enjoys hiking, traveling and journaling.
