Jesse Alejandro Cottrell: My Disappeared Potbelly

When Jesse Alejandro Cottrell started fielding unsolicited comments about his body, he gained a new perspective on what he had lost.

A couple years back, my friends and family started congratulating me for finally losing weight, which weirded me out. I hadn’t known that anyone was rooting for me to lose weight in the first place.

I wasn’t even sure at first that they were talking about my weight. A good friend would say something like, “Wow, Jesse you’re looking great these days,” or a cousin would tell me, “You’re lookin’ so good in that shirt.” Vague compliments that I was happy to accept, even if I wasn’t sure what they were talking about.

It wasn’t until I visited a particularly blunt-talking friend in LA that I realized what was behind all this flattery. “Finally got rid of that potbelly, huh?” he said, as he slapped my stomach like an unruly teenager who’d gotten their act together.

That shook me. Because it felt like I’d lost a part of myself I’d never even been aware of. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I’d lost some weight. But I’m 6 foot 3 inches, so I didn’t think anyone else would notice me losing a few pounds.

I did consider myself in shape. I ate mostly veggies, exercised often enough, I thought. And my doctors had never said anything about my weight.

But sure enough, not long after my LA friend mentioned my potbelly, I saw my doctor and he said, “Wow, your face is a new shape.”

It felt like my loved ones were all breathing a collective sigh of relief. Like, “Jesse finally lost that weight.” Like I’d been carrying around this communal shame that was invisible to me and very visible to everyone else.

I admit that as my loved ones brought up my former appearance, I did feel a little retroactive shame for my potbelly. But more than that, I felt an odd sense of grief. Like I’d lost a part of myself.

I wish I would’ve recognized my potbelly before it left. I would’ve been more thoughtful about wearing clothes that would’ve flattered him. Tops that would’ve made my loved ones say to me, “Jesse, you and your potbelly are lookin’ so good in that shirt.”

With a Perspective, I’m Jesse Alejandro Cottrell.

Jesse Alejandro Cottrell is an audio journalist. He was born and raised in San Francisco.