What Did the US Surgeon General Say About Parental Stress, And What Can We Do About It?

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Last week United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an advisory about the current state of parenting and the unprecedented stress and mental health concerns that parents are experiencing. 

The surgeon general’s report explains that parents in particular are under an undue amount of stress and that the amount of stress has increased over the past decade. The report cites a 2023 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association that found that 1 in 3 parents (33%) are highly stressed while only 20% of the general population reported this level of stress. In addition, this report found that 41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed that they can’t function, and 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. This is clearly not sustainable and serious changes are needed in order to address this situation.

Murthy, who is a parent of a 6-year-old and 7-year-old himself, also highlighted the lack of respect for parenting in our society. He wrote: “In modern society, parenting is often portrayed as a less important, less valued pursuit. Nothing could be further from the truth.” But why is parenting more stressful now than ever before? The advisory cites several factors in parents’ stress levels.

1. Parents in the United States are both working longer hours than ever before and spending more time than ever with their children. According to the American Time Use Survey, work hours have increased 28% for mothers and 4% for fathers from 1985 to 2022. During the same time period, time spent directly caring for children has increased 40% for mothers and 154% for fathers. If you are thinking that this “math isn’t mathing” and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day — you would be correct. In order to accomplish this, parents (particularly mothers) are spending less time on leisure for themselves, spending less time with their partner and sleeping fewer hours.
2. Parents are financially strained. One in four parents (24%) report that there were times in the last year when they did not have enough money for basic needs, such as food or rent. One in five parents (20%) report that they have struggled to pay for child care or health care for their families. This is not surprising, given the cost of child care has skyrocketed in the United States, growing by 26% in the last decade, according to a White House briefing.
3. Parents are very worried about their children’s health and safety. Three quarters (74%) of parents report that the possibility of a school shooting is a significant source of stress. One in five children also have a special health care concern, such as asthma, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral problems, learning disabilities or a developmental delay) and a child experiencing one of these health problems doubles the risk for mental health concerns in parents.
4. Parents are isolated and lonely. Many parents lack community and social support which further increases stress. Among all parents, 65% report experiencing loneliness. That number goes up to 77% among single parents, while only 55% of non-parents report loneliness.
5. Parents are very concerned about their children’s mental health. About three-quarters of parents (76%) worry about their child struggling with anxiety or depression in their lifetime, according to a Pew Research survey. This is a well founded concern given the current mental health crisis among children. 
6. There are other unprecedented stressors for parents. According to a Pew Research survey, 70% of parents also report that parenting is more difficult now than it was 20 years ago. According to these parents, two of the top reasons for this are social media and technology. In particular, parents are worried that social media use will increase the risk for anxiety/depression, lower self-esteem, bullying, peer pressure and exposure to explicit content.  

Why does this matter and what can we do?

Parents are people, too, and we should be concerned about such a large percentage of the population suffering. The stress and mental health of parents also directly impacts the next generation. Research finds that children with a primary caregiver with poor mental health are twice as likely to have mental, behavioral or developmental concerns and four times more likely to have poor health.

So what can be done? Murthy called for changes in policy and cultural norms to reduce the stress of parents. Specific changes that were recommended include: 

1. Change the national discourse. We need to talk about how challenging parenting can be and all of the stressors that parents face. We need to recognize that parenting is a real job that is just as important as any paying job. Schools and other community organizations can start a dialogue about parent stress and help to destigmatize mental health concerns in parents.
2. Governments and communities need to provide emotional and practical support for parents. We need policy changes and community involvement in ways that provide practical and emotional support to parents. Policy changes recommended by Murthy include such as universal preschool, paid family and medical leave and access to high quality mental health care. We also need more social programs that provide opportunities for parents to connect with each other in genuine ways.
3. Employers also need to support working parents. Employers need to create policies and programs that support working parents and allow for work-life balance.

While we are all waiting for these policy and systemic changes, what can we do? 

1. Accept that parenting is extremely challenging, particularly when you live in a country like the United States that doesn’t provide a lot of support for parents. If you are struggling, it is because you are in a system that is setting you up to fail, not because there is something wrong with you.
2. Recognize the importance of connection. Connection with others is key to reducing stress and improving mental health. Even though it is challenging, find time for connection — talk to a friend on the phone while you fold laundry, schedule regular play dates with other parents and their kids, get together with a neighbor after your kids go to bed, strike up a conversation with other parents at the park, etc.
3. Educate yourself about different mental health conditions that parents and children may face and seek professional help when necessary. The National Institute for Mental Health website has information on common mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Findsupport.gov is also a great free resource with information about how to know when you need help and how to find a mental health professional or program. If you are having a mental health crisis or considering hurting yourself, you can call or text 988 for free and confidential support in the United States.
4. Try a different kind of self-care. This report recommends making  time for self-care but  adding self-care can also feel like a burden on an already overwhelmed parent’s to-do list. If a parent feels pressure to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to exercise or meditate, it may actually increase stress (or at least reduce sleep). It might be more helpful to rethink self-care. Think about what you already do in a day and where you can add joy or peace. For example, listen to an audiobook or a meditation app during your commute to work, go for a walk with your family after dinner instead of watching a TV show, run errands with your partner or a friend to make them more fun, clean the kitchen while your kids are still awake so you can go to bed earlier, include your children in activities that you love such as baking or gardening, etc.

Murthy summed up the core message of this report with this statement: “Something has to change … Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us.” Now is the time for real change to give parents the support they deserve for this sacred and important work.

Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of Parenting Translator, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.