Shutting down can be a common response to fighting with loved ones, according to Robyn Bloom, a therapist and director of adult services at Jewish Family and Children’s Services in San Francisco.
But it can also later lead to regret — for not standing up for oneself or sharing your opinion and allowing others to take over. Or, as Bloom put it, “At what point does silence equal self-betrayal?”
With her clients, Bloom encourages them to anticipate conflict and develop a plan beforehand, keeping the plan flexible.
Either before your gathering or amid a heated moment, try sharing your intention, Bloom added.
“You can simply say, ‘What’s most important to me here is that we can connect and enjoy our time together. If things start to feel out of sync, can we take a step back together?” Bloom said. “Have that conversation. Acknowledge that things can be hard, but your intention and desire is to feel more connected at the end of the day.”
This isn’t you staying silent — but instead finding a way to hit ‘pause’ on the argument.
Know how to reduce your physical stress in heated moments
When we get upset, our bodies notice. We might feel a tightening in our chest, our head is getting warmer, a shaky feeling or loss of appetite.
Practicing self-soothing is an important skill for those moments to re-regulate the nervous system, allowing us to stay present and engaged when we want to be. Here are a few ways to put this into practice:
Listen to your body
“Identifying what’s happening in the body is a good regulator because it takes you a bit out of your head and the argument and points you to what the sensations in your body are,” Choi said.
Calm your system
Slow, deep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth is a proven method for calming down.
Light tapping on your chest can also have a soothing effect, Choi said, or a temple massage.
Watch what you put in your body
Bloom also reminds that drinking alcohol can add another tricky element to heated family arguments during holiday gatherings. She suggests being conscious of how substances impact our own (and others) behavior and using that information when determining whether engaging on a topic is worth it or not.
Totah recommends having an ice-cold glass of water handy. The cold temperature triggers a response that can slow the brain down, she said — helping slow the brain down for thoughtful discourse rather than a knee-jerk reaction.
“People are trying to wrap their minds around making sense of everything in their own way,” Totah said. “That’s difficult when your nervous system is overactivated. It inhibits clarity.”
Remember: You can get up and leave
“It’s okay to excuse oneself from that mess of a conversation that’s not going anywhere,” Crouch said.
Emphasize community — and lead with compassion
Totah underscores that it is important to discuss difficult topics and events. But her hope with clients is that these conversations can come from a place of trying to move forward together.
“We need to speak up about what’s happening irrespective of where people are, whether it’s COVID or the election or what’s happening now in Israel and Gaza,” she said. “Let’s not speak of the division and the sides, but how we are all human beings and how we can move forward in a way that minimizes damage. Not just collectively but within our families. It starts with us.”