Voice 1: It just seems like men are kind of sleeping with everyone and have a very short attention span. It doesn’t really seem worth it to be honest.
Voice 2: I met someone who was online, it ended up getting so bad. Contracted three STDs from the guy, when he said he was monogamous and STD free. And then I ended up taking him to court after we had broken up.
Voice 3: My last decent dinner date was 1997.
Voice 4: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OK Cupid, Coffee Meets Bagel..
Voice 5: I started with dating websites, it evolved into several dating apps. I finally met my husband in Golden Gate Park where we were walking our dogs.
Olivia Allen-Price: From navigating the apps to trying to meet people in real life, we heard a lot about the highs and lows of the Bay Area dating scene. Today, we’re sharing The Bay’s episode to dig a little deeper into what it takes to find love here. That’s all just ahead after this quick break.
Sponsor Message
Olivia Allen-Price: Alright, let’s talk dating. I’m handing the baton off to The Bay’s Jessica Kariisa, in conversation with KQED’s community engagement reporter Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí.
Jessica Kariisa: Hey, Carlos.
Cabrera-Lomelí: Hi, Jessica.
Jessica Kariisa: I’m so excited to talk to you today. Can you maybe start by telling us a bit about the people that you spoke to?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: For this story, I spoke to folks all over the Bay Area. We wanted to make sure that we understood the experiences of what it’s like to be single, of what it’s like to date. Most of the folks we spoke to were born and raised in the Bay Area. I also spoke to a couple of folks who had moved from other places and loved the Bay, but they told me that, hey, this little region that we call home has a very particular energy that sometimes takes a while to get used to.
Jessica Kariisa: Sounds like we got a lot of really great perspectives and also there’s you, Carlos. You’re a dater in the Bay Area. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: 5’8, deep dark brown eyes, melanated and marinated.
Jessica Kariisa: There you go.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: I started using the apps, specifically Tinder, since I was able to. You know at that age, I was trying to figure out, like, hey, do I like girls, and I was like, oh, wait, I like both. And San Francisco is a place where I felt very comfortable and just being able to tell people that. I’ve met a lot of characters, a lot, a lot of characters, and I’m sure many of them can say the same about me.
Jessica Kariisa: Speaking of the apps, you mentioned the apps, and honestly, that’s the first thing I think of when I think of dating, especially in the past five, 10 years. And I’m curious, what’s your experience been like on the apps?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: I’m a very spontaneous, instinctual person, and over time, I’ve learned that they’re tools, they’re helpful tools, but they’re also imperfect tools. But also, they make it really hard to just accurately express what you’re feeling, the energy, and also understand the other person. And also, it’s, you know, six, seven photos with maybe like two or three sentences. Right, right. How much are you going to get out of that?
Jessica Kariisa: Like you said, the apps are a tool. There’s good experiences to be had. There’s also not so great experiences to be had. But it seems like it’s just kind of an inevitable part of dating. And I want to get into the story of someone you talk to named Brenda. Can you tell me who she is and what her story is?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Brenda B is a teacher. For privacy reasons, we’re only going to be using the first letter of her last name. She is from Walnut Creek. She’s in her late 30s. She’s been in the apps and online dating for about 20 years, since she was 15.
Brenda B: So that’s mostly how I’ve been able to meet people. And I also like make sure, like on my profile, that I say exactly like what I’m looking for.
Jessica Kariisa: What did she tell you about what her overall experience has been like on the apps?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: You know, one of the issues that comes up for her is that a lot of the guys she talks to, it’s just that they either don’t know what they want or they don’t want what she wants.
Brenda B: A lot of people are interested in polyamory and/or non-monogamy. And so at my age and then wanting monogamy is really hard to find. I think in particular, that’s a unique trait of this area.
Jessica Kariisa: Wow, I mean, I didn’t realize monogamy was out of style. Maybe I’m out of touch. But I’m curious, you know, when Brenda does meet people who are also interested in monogamy, has she had good experiences?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: She puts the best of herself out there. She’s very intentional. And she reminds me a lot of my female besties who go out to meet someone and they are putting so much thought into where the date’s gonna be, what they’re gonna wear, what they’re gonna talk about. And then they leave the house so excited and then a few hours later they come back and they’re like, the guy just didn’t measure up.
Brenda B: Single guys in the bay, I feel like if you put in a little bit of effort, it will be appreciated. Don’t waste people’s time. If you’re not interested in dating anyone, just delete your app, please.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Something else that bothers her is that she might go out with someone three, four, five times, start building a bit of a connection with them and then the guy’s like, “Wait a minute. This is not something I was ready for. I don’t know what I want. Let’s just stop seeing each other.” Brenda said it very clear. “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t wanna date or if you don’t want something serious, but communicate that from the beginning. The other person might be cool with that. But just don’t lead them along.”
Jessica Kariisa: People obviously resort to the apps because meeting people in real life is hard. I mean, even just making friends in real life is hard. But people are still managing to meet people IRL and I’m curious, based on the people you spoke to, what did you hear about that?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: I spoke to Bri Fritz. She’s from Napa, works at a community college and dates queer people.
Bri Fritz: There are a couple queer people out here but it is very slim picking. For me, what I have found really successful is I joined sports leagues. Now, I’m not a sporty person. I had never played soccer, never played sports, but I went and they were so welcoming and through that, I met other people.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: She’s been able to form really cool networks of queer women and she’s been really intentional about this.
Jessica Kariisa: I really wish I was a sporty girl, but I would get so intimidated. I would definitely be the worst on the team. How did Bri choose sports?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: These kind of spaces work really well for Bri because she’s not a drinker. She tries not to drink and wants to seek out spaces where drinking isn’t the center of what people are doing.
Bri Fritz: The thing with the queer community is there’s a lot of focus on drinking and going to the bars and that’s not really my scene. I don’t like to just randomly approach people. I get pretty nervous.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: There’s a lot of really fun sports leagues for queer women, queer men, trans and non-binary folks all over the Bay Area and it can make meeting people a lot less daunting and even if you don’t meet someone that you’re romantically interested in, you’re now just gonna have a bigger network of people, of friends.
Jessica Kariisa: I mean, it honestly sounds like a win -win. You know, she’s doing, she’s being active. She’s, you know, doing these fun activities. She’s meeting super cool people. I wonder, is Brie running into any challenges? Yes.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: The Bay Area is a huge place. It’s nine counties. But what that means is like, you know, you can meet someone at a bar or an app or something that might tell you, oh yeah, I live in the Bay too. And you might live in Marin and they’re like, and I live in San Jose. So you’re like, okay, how am I gonna make this work? Especially if you’re interested in them.
Bri Fritz: I met actually somebody who’s originally from Napa, lived in Walnut Creek and then moved to Fremont and they were asking if I was okay with the commute. Luckily, I love to drive. I have a little Honda Fit. And so for me, that commute was okay. We would sometimes meet halfway but it was kind of difficult.
Jessica Kariisa: I feel the commuting pain point. I live in San Jose. I obviously work here in San Francisco. I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship with the rest of the Bay team. But I’m curious, you know, besides joining a sports league which is super cool. What are some other good ways you heard from the people that you spoke to about meeting people in real life?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Yeah, I spoke about that with Tim Huey. He’s in his 30s, living in Oakland and working as an organizer.
Tim Huey: When it comes to meeting people in real life that’s certainly something that is maybe a little bit of a lost art. And so for myself, one of those spaces is kind of within community organizing, activism and advocacy.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Something that’s really important to Tim are the values, what the other person believes. Tim mentioned is that it helps you build trust with that person. That’s, I mean, in any relationship if you already have that, that makes things a lot stronger.
Tim Huey: You’re sitting in city hall for five hours for a meeting and you’re trying to wait for your turn to speak to you and making friends with people around you.
Jessica Kariisa: Has this worked out romantically for Tim as well?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: In his case, it hasn’t worked out just because with the folks he’s met they mentioned that it’s best to not date within the movements.
Tim Huey: A lot of these spaces are very close -knit doing a lot of important and stressful work. So adding romantic relationships into that element can and has in some cases been a little bit more drama than maybe it’s worth to some people.
Jessica Kariisa: Yeah, like dating within a particular community if it’s small or if it overlaps with your work like it definitely sounds like there are some real pitfalls there.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Yeah, no, it makes things messy.
Jessica Kariisa: Just to wrap up, Carlos, I know you asked each of these daters for their best advice and I’m curious, what did they tell you?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: I loved asking folks this question because what they told me it just made me smile. Like Bri, she actually printed out little business cards with her Instagram, funny facts, cool things about her that when she meets someone at a bar she’ll actually pass this card to them.
Bri Fritz: It’s such a power move to be like, oh yeah, here, contact me. Everybody I’ve ever given one to they say that their friends think it’s so funny. It’s such a power move.
Jessica Kariisa: I love that. I might take that idea, honestly. Business cards, we need to bring those back.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Me too! Me too. Me too. And other folks had kind of like bigger suggestions. Brenda, she really recommends to other women to be clear about what you want from the beginning.
Brenda B: I think women in particular have been taught to like kind of just smile and be happy and that we’re like too much and I think I bought into that and I’ve learned as I’ve dated more and as I’ve matured and gone to therapy that no, it’s really important to say like, hey, this is bothering me or this is something I’ve noticed.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: She mentioned that sometimes if you say, “Hey, I want something serious” or “I want kids” or “I don’t want kids” at the beginning it might be daunting because you’re like, hey, is the other person going to be turned off by that or are they just going to leave? But she pointed out that if they leave or they step away once you mention what you want, that’s just how it’s meant to be, right? You don’t want to be with someone who’s not interested in the same things or doesn’t have the same goal in mind as you are.
Jessica Kariisa: That’s all such great advice. What about advice for the general dating pool? Were there any no-nos, anything that we should be leaving behind in 2025?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Yeah, I really, really like what Tim said, that we need to get better at closure.
Tim Huey: Especially in this day and age with social media and digital communication or it can be seen as disposable or really ready to kind of move on to the next thing. There’s something to be said for messaging. Some may say I’m just not feeling it but I wish you the best on finding your person. Something simple like that rather than just ghosting. I think that’s the big thing that a lot of people have either experienced or have done themselves.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: You don’t have to be besties with everyone who you date, right? But at least in my case, I do appreciate when someone lets me know what they’re thinking and they’re honest that it’s not going to work out.
Jessica Kariisa: Carlos, what is your takeaway from all these conversations, would you say?
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Every person I spoke to has a completely different background experience than I do. But hearing someone who lives in Walnut Creek is a teacher or lives in Napa or is an organizer but has gone through similar things as I have that has been ghosted or has dated someone who turned out to be in a committed relationship and didn’t communicate that to you or where you’ve been maybe not the good person. I think that’s really good to know that someone out there here in the Bay is going exactly through something that you’re going through right now. I mean, it’s not just affirming, but it’s like, okay, whoa, it’s not just about me.
Jessica Kariisa: I love that so much and I’ve really, really loved this conversation. Thank you so much, Carlos.
Carlos Cabrera-Lomelí: Thank you, Jessica.
