Byron Noel Gordon: Fatherhood Means Patience

When faced with a disheartening parenting situation, Byron Noel Gordon found encouragement when he confided in a community of fellow fathers.

It began when my daughter was three. I’d been reading to her every night before bed for the past year. Then, one evening, she said she wanted mom to read to her instead.

I didn’t think much about it at the time. Sure, Mom can read to you, I replied. The next night, she asked for mom again. It started a common pattern and just like that, I was replaced by my wife as reader.

I started witnessing a more intimate bonding being created between my daughter and her mother. It wasn’t just the reading, but more and more my daughter seemed to want to spend more time with her mother. And the bond I thought I was creating with my daughter began fraying.
It wasn’t that she didn’t love me, I know she did. But something that I came to look forward to was taken away from me.

I was admittedly being silly but when I asked her the question, how much do you love me?

She replied, 100%. And I said how much do you love mommy? And she replied, 200%.

Wondering if I was not alone in my predicament, I went online and found a group of fathers who were able to share their joys and frustrations about parenting in general.

When I decided to post the topic of a father feeling ignored or alienated from his daughter, it was not much of a surprise to me when I began receiving feedback from a multitude of fathers who shared my experience.

One response went along the lines of, “I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with my daughter. It used to wreck my soul when she did that. But fast forward and we’re now best buds. Be patient. Things will improve.”

Science tells us that the role of nurturing the emotional, social, and cognitive development of children is powerful and vital to their health. Loving your child means spending time with your child and making clear to them that the one thing you won’t deprive them of is your time.

My daughter is now six and learning how to read, though she still wants her mother to read to her every night. She recently proposed a new activity for us both to share. It’s a walk around the block right after dinner. We call it our “midnight walk.”

It’s the seed of something new, I hope. And a reminder to just be patient.

With a Perspective, I’m Byron Noel Gordon.

Byron Noel Gordon is a project manager at a community services nonprofit. He’s a San Francisco native and lives in the city with his family.