'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 3 Recap: Homeward Bound

It doesn't take long for Ross to get over his shyness and get back to what he does best: shouting up a righteous storm. Meanwhile, back in Cornwall, Demelza reads a letter from Ross that essentially goes something like this:

Hey, stranger!

I can't believe it's already been six months and that I didn't even bother coming home for Christmas. What can I say? There's just less incentive to be a good husband now that whats-his-butt is dead. London is soooo cool. I'd invite you to check it out, but I don't want to.

See you when I see you!

Ross.

Needless to say, she is not amused.

The following day, a girl called Rosina (which also happens to be Ross' drag name) says hello to Drake in a lets-go-to-your-secret-cave-and-make-a-baby kind of way. Demelza gives Drake a look that says: Bro, you've been shot, clubbed in the back, almost hanged, and lost your first true love to a toe-gobbler. Maybe it's time for you to get some.

Back in London, Ross is at a super cool rave featuring pyrotechnics, colored wigs, random elephant statues, and other hedonistic stuff there are probably commandments against. Marie Antoinette's ghost flies overhead and howls, Y'all get to boogie down like this, and I'm the one without a head?!? Agatha's ghost also soars overhead and howls, Where's my port?!?

Quick question: Is this guy trying to pick up Ross?

Since y'all can't answer me right now, I'm gonna go with a resounding YES.

The woman who checked out Ross' butt at the hanging in the season premiere started a trend!

Ross runs into Geoffrey Charles, who has gone through quite the accelerated puberty since we last saw him. Ross lies to him about how dignified his dad, Francis, was. Are we thinking of the same person? The Francis who skipped the war, stole his first cousin's girlfriend, was generally bad at everything and got murdered by a puddle? That Francis?

Elsewhere, Malfoy tries to decide which evil thing he'll get up to this week. Drowning puppies and tripping toddlers will have to wait; a fellow Disney villain whom we'll call Sir Scam-a-Lot encourages Malfoy to worm his way back into the House of Commons by buying a town and by extension its representative. You know how the old saying goes: If you can't beat Ross in an election, join him in Westminster through evil anti-democratic means!

Across town, Verity, the Queen of Season 1, is back! But it's hard to pay attention to her while a very pregnant Blondie, surrounded by other people's loud children, says, "I must be in hell."

I don't know about you, but I'd love to party with Blondie.

Later, Verity won't stop bringing up touchy subjects.

Verity: Where did this weird ass flower come from?

What Demelza says: It's a magnolia...

What Demelza doesn't say: ...given to me by a half-blind hottie I sexed up on a sand dune.

Verity: Elizabeth's house is super nice now, but you probably never see it cause she tried to wreck your home.

What Demelza says: Um, how's Lisbon?

What Demelza doesn't say: Someday, I am going to uppercut Elizabeth Mortal Kombat-style, then set her house on fire and light my cigarette on the flames.

After receiving news that the family mine might have to close down, Ross finally decides to pause his super busy rave-attending schedule to make the journey home. He's bored the entire way because the in-carriage entertainment options leave something to be desired.

When Ross rides up to the house, Demelza gives him her cheek (not a great sign). Ross proceeds to make everything worse by nonchalantly asking, What have you been up to? Demelza calmly provides a list through gritted teeth, Oh, I don't know, keeping the children alive, tending to the farm, making sure there's enough to eat, trying to keep the mine from going bankrupt, nothing major!

In one of those apartments that looks fine on Craiglist until you visit it in person and realize it's a crack den, Jennifer Lawrence is upset about her lack of finances. That's when she notices her big toe peeking out of her pantyhose, which makes her think of Gross Goblin.

This storyline = dead horse. Status: Beaten. Must we do this again?

I guess so 'cause she invites Gross Goblin over and asks for money in exchange for her toe jam services.

We get it! He likes munching on feet! Next!

Mere moments after giving birth, Blondie asks Doc, "Is she as ugly as we feared?"

Please never change, Blondie.

Over at chez Poldark, Ross admits that he stayed away all these months because he figured Demelza was still swooning over Prison Bestie's ghost.

Demelza: "I think you no longer know me, Ross."

Ross: "Perhaps we no longer know each other."

At this rate, the next episode will look like this:

The next day, Ross heads to the beach to give viewers another look at his hairy chest. But before he can rip his shirt off, he notices another character has already beaten him to the gratuitous, wet, half-naked punch.

It's Doc!

The message between the lines of Ross' face: I'ma let you finish, but the shirtless wet hunk vibe is sort of my thing.

Later that afternoon, Ross heads to the mine and goes in for a hug from his old pauper pals. He gets brutally rebuffed. They think he's an out-of-touch outsider now. They're solidly #TeamDemelza. And who can blame 'em?

Speaking of Demelza, she's still trying to hook Rosina up with Drake by forcing him to walk her home. Thankfully, Sam offers to come along. Finally, his hatred of premarital kissing proves useful!

Dear Poldark writers:

Do you know what time it is?

HORACE THE PUG O'CLOCK!

Over at Blondie's house, Horace is watching over Sarah, either protecting her or plotting to smother her so he can be an only child again.

Doc seems to think it's the latter.

Doc: "I do believe Horace is feeling neglected."

Blondie: "Nonsense. He knows I adore him above all things."

I agree with everything Blondie says so intensely, I'm starting to wonder if I'm her reincarnated form.

Before I can investigate that theory any further, Doc picks up Sarah and has a very worried look on his face.

Blondie: "You seem very attached to that child. I hope she doesn't grow up to be a spoiled brat."

Well, according to the ominous music playing in the background, no need to worry about that 'cause Sarah might not get to grow up at all!

In much less important news, Ross is feeling left out from a fishing trip all his old buddies are going on. Demelza tells him to grow up. Maybe in London, adults wait for embossed invitations to hang out with their friends, but in Cornwall, you just show up.

When he does, instead of finding a snoozy fishing trip, Ross discovers it's actually an all-out brawl! Drake runs and tells Ross why people are getting their teeth knocked out. His accent is so thick I don't know the reason for sure, but it seems like Bone Maraca Pirate (remember, he keeps the bones of his dearly departed hand in a pouch) slept with a widow whose husband is very much alive. Oops!

Ultimately, the reason doesn't matter 'cause Ross never met a throwdown he didn't like. Ross might be a fancy politician now, but he still enjoys kicking butt.

Literally.

After the dust settles, Bone Maraca Pirate seems like he's dead (not another one!), but it turns out he just probably has some minor brain damage. Cool!

Just like earlier seasons of this show, Ross and his bros head to the pub to get tanked, and Ross eventually stumbles on over to Elizabeth's house because my blood pressure isn't high enough.

It's too bad Demelza no longer has a living love affair partner to be inappropriate with!

While Malfoy hosts a fancy party, Elizabeth just so happens to be outside admiring a flower when Ross walks up.

They chat about their secret love child and whether her husband still suspects that he's not the father. You know, a normal conversation we all have had with our exes.

Malfoy's new friend, Sir Scam-a-Lot, pops up out of nowhere and says he thought Ross was a "threadbare troubadour." Kick him in the butt, Ross!

For once, there was an Elizabeth scene in which she didn't get on my last nerve. She wasn't flirty or spiteful, and actually had an OK sense of humor. But I bet she does something gross in 5, 4, 3...

Elizabeth goes back inside and immediately gets gross by being way too enthused about Malfoy's new evil plan to spread more injustice. Woomp, there it is!

Elsewhere at the party, Doc stares into a fireplace, thinking of his maybe dying baby. Blondie asks him, "What can you be thinking? How to make your escape and return to our odious offspring?"

Eeeek! That was almost as bad as when he just got back with major PTSD from being a prisoner of war and she snuck up on him for no reason and screamed "BOO!"

Later that night, Ross finally makes it to his own house and—*record scratch*—actually tells Demelza the truth about going to see Elizabeth. Honesty?? I could get used to this!

As with the last two episodes, the end of the show means it's time for Ross and Demelza to have a heart-to-heart next to a fireplace. This time, Ross gives a little speech: All I've given you is grief and distrust and heartbreak, so here are some earrings cause I took an online quiz and it told me your love language was receiving gifts!

Good job, Ross!

Then, this happens:

Demelza: "Are we strangers still?"

Ross: "Yes, but strangers who know every inch of each other's skin. So perhaps we should begin again from there."

Then Ross grabs Demelza...

...and they have sex on the kitchen table because why the hell not!

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Rosina. I'm sure she's a nice girl and all, but I am still holding out hope for Morwenna. Move along, please!

HONORABLE MENTION: Athlete's Foot. I'm counting on this fungus to infect Jennifer Lawrence and Gross Goblin.

BRONZE: Ross and Demelza's Kids. Here's something shiny to distract them from the sounds of their parents making another sibling on the table in the next room.

SILVER: Horace. Good job not killing the baby! Like his mom said, I adore him above all things.

GOLD: Blondie. She doesn't always time her jokes correctly, but I love this patron saint of not giving an F just as much as I love Horace, and we all know by now that's no small feat.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!

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