'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

Oh, yeah, and Victoria turned into a cast member of The Real Housewives of Buckingham Palace and threw a drink in Albert's face in front of everyone, and now they're not on speaking terms.

Will they have makeup sex and get pregnant for the 9,302nd time? Let's find out!

War has broken out! No, not between Britain and some other country (although, knowing how Britain rolls, that should be coming along shortly), but between Victoria and Albert.

Because neither of them is musical enough to craft cutting diss tracks about each other, they settle for sending passive-aggressive notes back and forth via servants. That makeup sex I mentioned earlier? Probably not happening any time soon!

Part of their disagreement has to do with Bertie's refusal to be smart.

Victoria's take: Sure, I almost drowned last episode because I never got the memo that humans can't breathe underwater, but I still don't see why it's so important to know things.

Albert's take:

As if Albert needed any more ammo, Bertie walks in to show how he's coming along with solving math problems on his abacus:

In a separate part of the palace, New Footman runs into Disney Princess and thanks her for saving his skinny-dipping butt from getting fired. We are one scene closer to these two tongue-wrestling!

Speaking of which, that's exactly what Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid are doing in their new inn. But not for long. Hot Italian Chef suggests they change the name from Seven Dials Inn to The Palace. It's the kind of joke that's not wildly hilarious, but you laugh anyway because... well, just look at him.

Apparently, Babyface Maid has become accustomed to his hotness though because she takes his harmless little joke the wrong way and bolts out of bed, leaving his chest hair behind. Your loss, sweetie.

Over at the palace, Victoria receives a letter from Babyface Maid. Is she already asking for her job back? Who knows! Victoria throws it into a drawer unopened. She's still livid that Babyface Maid had the gall to want something more from life than an eternity of silently brushing hair.

Never missing an opportunity to creepily advocate for herself, Xenadora puts her face uncomfortably close to Victoria's and says, "Don't worry. I will never desert you", followed by a chilling giggle. Sounds nice on paper; sounds like a threat in person.

Across town, as if operating from the same sociopath handbook, Disney Villain puts his face uncomfortably close to Disney Princess' and says, "Remember, everything you're fond of belongs to me!" Wow. So, with what's happening between Vic and Al, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid, and these two, the theme of this episode is clearly:

Just.

Say.

No.

To.

Marriage.

Because there isn't enough drama going on already, cholera is spreading across London and children's corpses are being carted through the streets. Victoria visits a hospital to witness the devastation first-hand. It's very sad, don't get me wrong, but one of the nurses has a cute pet baby owl that she found at the Parthenon in Athens and that's all I can focus on right now!

The nurse shares her theories about cholera not being contagious and then casually identifies herself as Florence Nightingale, no big deal.

Because it's been a while since Albert has had a hobby (remember his obsessions with toilets and trains?), he decides that his next mission will be to march up to Cambridge University and make them care about science. His TedTalk titled "Science Rules, Creationism Drools" is met with the kind of faces one makes when smelling a stranger's sour fart in an elevator.

Over at the Seven Dials Inn (whose name we never ever joke about), Babyface Maid isn't mad at Hot Italian Chef anymore... because she's pregnant with his baby! The show writers every episode:

Back at the palace, Disney Princess gets a message from Disney Villain that she must go home at once so he can whisper unprompted threats next to her face. New Footman offers to tell him to f*ck off. Disney Princess thinks that's a grand idea.

Meanwhile, Victoria wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all this cholera and requests to speak to a shy doctor with a lisp she briefly met once. Prime Minister Pushover doesn't think that's a good idea: "You should know that he is seen by the medical establishment as an eccentric. I hear he doesn't eat meat... or fish!"

As a vegetarian myself, I can say that this is how haters see us:

And this is how we see ourselves:

Back at the inn, Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid host a little get-together to celebrate the inn opening. They toast to their good fortune and to Half-Italian Babyface Jr. Everything is going so well and there isn't a care in the world... until Babyface Maid feels an intense pain in her stomach. I think I know where this is headed and I DO NOT LIKE IT. DON'T DO THIS, VICTORIA WRITERS. I MEAN IT!

Back at the palace, New Footman and Disney Princess continue to flirt at a glacial pace.

New Footman: "You weren't at dinner. It was very quiet."

Disney Princess: "Is my voice so loud?"

New Footman: "...when it's the only thing I hear."

I'm feeling equal parts, this:

And this:

The following day, Vegetarian Doctor drops by the palace and shares his cholera theory with Victoria:

He believes the source is a contaminated water pump in Soho and that women and children are the ones most affected because they actually drink water, unlike men who are too busy chugging beer to hydrate properly. Oh, and the water pump is also used to create tonics like the one Babyface Maid picked up to help with her pregnancy.

Cut to Babyface Maid hallucinating in her bed. She thinks she's still at the palace and about to get in trouble with Mean Butler. I HATE THIS. Grim Reaper, stay back!

Cut to Albert winning a very close race to become Cambridge Chancellor or something and...

Actually, you know what? I don't care.

At the inn, Victoria is now at Babyface Maid's bedside. A delirious Babyface Maid wakes up and says, "Do you want me to do your hair, Ma'am?"

Vegetarian Doctor can't do anything because it's the 19th century and no one knows shit about anything. Victoria leaves 'cause she can't stand to watch Babyface Maid die.

Later that night, Babyface Maid is alert enough to tell Hot Italian Chef: "I should have married you sooner. It wasn't long, but it meant everything." Then she takes her last breath and Hot Italian Chef says, "Nancy? Nancy?" before sobbing uncontrollably next to her dead body.

Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up by this reminder that life is super short that she calls off her stupid fight with Albert. They have makeup sex and probably make another baby. But who cares about them? Babyface Maid is dead and I will never forgive the writers. I'm done.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper.

GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE, ALL OF THE THINGS: Babyface Maid. I hope the clouds in heaven are made out of Hot Italian Chef's chest hair. Say hi to Dash for me. Now I will proceed to blast this song so my neighbors don't hear me crying.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found