'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

New Footman's nose got really smooshed:

And Victoria got pregnant for the gazillionth time.

At this point, even her own children are starting to judge her for still refusing to use protection.

How drawn out will this pregnancy storyline be? And what kind of ridiculous object will the writers plop in front of New Footman's bits this time? Let's find out! On with the show!

Blessed be! The stork has already delivered Baby #7! We get to skip sitting through another tiresome pregnancy!

Now we can focus on more important things!

Like everyone sitting around looking at unexciting old selfies!

Wait, what?

Have you ever watched someone blankly scroll through their Instagram feed? Yeah, that apparently also happened in the 19th century too, but with rudimentary self-portrait sketches.

Everyone points and laughs at a selfie of Victoria bathing one of her countless children. LOL! You nurtured your own child one time? What are you, a poor person?!

Nearby, Bertie is using all the time he once spent studying French and arithmetic on something new: learning whether all his marbles will fit up his little brother's nose. Victoria yells at him and thinks to herself: I should have used protection like that delightful recapper has continuously suggested since Season 1!

Vicky Jr. agrees with me and takes the words right out of my mouth: "Is the new baby making her feel cross? I don't understand why she keeps getting them." It's truly a mystery.

*glances at my watch* Oh, would you look at the time! It's Albert-Gets-A-Random-New-Hobby o'clock! Trains, toilets, bullying that little African girl they adopted for a hot second last season, trying to make science happen at Cambridge, and now... redesigning a 10 pence coin. How thrilling.

Almost as thrilling (i.e. not at all) as Uncle Leopold dropping by for a visit. His presence is actually fitting in this selfie-centric episode because remember last season when he gave Albert a locket with a picture of himself inside to apologize for secretly being his dad?

I went on to turn his selfie locket apology into a meme every time he did something wrong, which was often.

It would be easier to tolerate Leopold's presence if he had brought along Ernst. Where has he been all season?? I want an update on how many more women he's given syphilis to!

Speaking of people who have a hard (no pun intended) time keeping it in their pants, New Footman is holding a candelabra over Disney Princess, as she plays the piano. He doesn't understand why she's icing him out after their sexy frolic on the beach. Apparently, for Disney Princess, what happens in Ireland, stays in Ireland (no word on her stance on what happens in Vegas).

Before New Footman can make any progress, Mean Butler shows up and says, "Would you like me to arrange for an oil lamp by the piano, if there's not enough light? I'm worried that New Footman might spill wax on you." I'm no psychic, but I predict there will be a different kind of spillage between these two very soon.

*runs over to the gutter to collect my mind*

Don't judge me. I saw your mind in there too!

With all the almost revolutions and cholera outbreaks and assassination attempts, it's been a while since Victoria threw a rager, so she announces a ball celebrating the fashions of the last century. Disney Villain tells Disney Princess she would look beautiful if she dressed up as his grandmother. Wait, why is he being nice? Surely, there's a catch of some kind, but there's no time to investigate because Bertie lost his pet mouse and needs help finding it! You know who else had a pet mouse growing up? Michael Jackson. And look at how well he turned out.

Across Britain, paperboys scream, Extra! Extra! Someone hacked the Queen's iCloud account and leaked all her boring selfies! Read all about it!

Victoria is outraged that the public will now imagine her stooping so low as to bathe her own children! The horror! She vows to sue the printer for treason... until everyone explains to her that that's not a thing.

Meanwhile, in the park, Xenadora is trotting on a brand new horse while rocking a flashy new outfit. It seems as though she's making bank off of selling invitations to the ball. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

While all the other children attend their tutoring lessons and learn that an abacus is not a musical instrument nor something you put on your head, Bertie plays hooky with his pet mouse, Fievel Mousekewitz.

When Albert catches him, Bertie screams, "I hope mama dies soon so I can be king and I can do anything I want!" Wow! It wasn't right when Cambridge Tutor Dude abused Bertie, but what about if we let an inanimate object—say, a swinging saloon door perhaps—do the dirty work for us?

That's going to leave a mark. No one ever said karma was gentle.

Elsewhere, after overhearing Disney Princess telling everyone about her costume idea for the ball, New Footman warns her that Disney Villain's grandmother was famous for sleeping around, having her children taken away and committing suicide. It's a trap! Now let's make out so hard that my nose gets smooshed!

The next day, Albert summons a phrenology expert to measure Bertie's skull and determine whether he is super duper dumb or just a little bit dumb. Prognosis: Super duper, with a side of inherited insanity, courtesy of his great grandfather, the mad King George. Not sure what they expected with all that incest.

This episode has been pretty grim so far. What we need is a good old fashioned girls vs. boys dance off! Hit it!

So random, yet so right. This show knows how to pull me back in (usually it's with skinny dipping, but this is cool too).

Speaking of getting naked, Disney Princess finds New Footman in the hallways and asks if he can help her with her "rather constricting" bodice. As you might imagine, New Footman's response is in the neighborhood of UM, HELL YEAH!!!

They duck into a linen closet and New Footman asks, "Where exactly do you require my assistance." Disney Princess grabs his hand and puts it on her left boob. Okay then! Let the "wax" pouring begin!

Back on the dance floor, Victoria notices two people who are actually having fun and immediately suspects they aren't aristocratic enough to be there. It doesn't take long before she realizes Xenadora has been selling invitations for sapphire tiaras and horses and other cool stuff. When Victoria confronts her, Xenadora tells her not to act like a washerwoman.

Things don't get any nicer from there.

Victoria: "You have made me look ridiculous!"

Xenadora: "I think that is all your own doing."

Victoria: "You hate me, don't you?!"

Xenadora:

Finally, we get an explanation of Xenadora's motivations this entire season. Remember that time Xenadora was mistily gazing at the portrait of a king and Bertie called him fat? Well, he wanted to marry Xenadora, but Leopold married Xenadora off to some random drunk German so Victoria could be Queen instead.

I guess I would be a bit annoyed by that too. Let Xenadora have her nice things and secretly plot in the background of every scene! She's been through stuff!

The next day, Victoria is still in a mood, this time because some Latin phrase that says God is obsessed with her was left off her new 10 pence coin. She demands to know who is responsible for this oversight. Everyone points their finger in Albert's direction.

Victoria bursts into his office and proceeds to yell about the coin and Xenadora not liking her and Bertie being dumb and how she knows Albert thinks she's dumb too. Albert calmly tells her she's being kind of crazy. Her rebuttal: Would a crazy person do THIS?!

Um, yeah, I think they would.

Here's a suggestion. Translate "If you can't beat 'em, act like a total brat and break something" into Latin and put that on a coin.

The brattiness continues at Baby #7's christening. Victoria sees Albert and Xenadora having a good time, so she chugs a glass of champagne, storms up to them and announces: She's been selling invitations! Do you still like her better than me? Do you?!?

This naturally backfires. Alberts poses an important question: "Why do you begrudge her the crumbs from your table?" And then he makes a face that says, I already have seven children, please stop acting like the eighth.

But Victoria can't stop, won't stop. She tells Xenadora she wants her to move out and then follows Albert into his office to whine some more about how Xenadora hates her. By this point, Albert has had it officially, so he says, "I think your intellect is over-taxed."

Again:

Would an over-taxed intellect do this?!

Why, yes. Yes, it would.

Something about being smacked in the mouth inspires Albert to speak some hard truth.

Victoria: "When did you stop loving me?"

Albert: "I do love you, just as I love the children."

Victoria: "That's not what I meant."

Albert: "I know, but it is all I have left."

Once more with feeling:

Dejected, Victoria roams the halls, feeling sorry for herself, when she finds Bertie, also feeling sorry for himself 'cause he's lost Fievel again. They embrace on the ground and Bertie says, "Papa doesn't love me anymore cause I'm stupid." Victoria thinks, That makes two of us.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Victoria. Sure, this is her show and all, but she's been really insufferable lately.

HONORABLE MENTION: Vicky Jr. She can be kind of a teacher's pet, but her saying "I don't understand why she keeps getting them" about Victoria's continuous pregnancies makes her a winner in my book.

BRONZE: The Stork. For delivering Baby #7 between episodes.

SILVER: Disney Princess and New Footman. Congrats to them for finally getting to pour some wax. They deserve it.

GOLD: Lord Pam. For wearing not one, not two, but THREE bows in his long white braid. Werk!

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found