'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Lord Pam got really riled up over an assault on some Brit's lemons:

I vowed to start a White House petition for ABC to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor:

And I asked you all to vote on who was cuter: Albert or his cousin, King Otto of Greece. The results were not even close:

(If you missed the last recap and want your voice heard, you can still vote.)

Will we objectify some more royal dudes this episode? Will New Footman break Disney Princess out of the mental asylum so they can realize their Beverly Hills 90210 fantasy? Will the season finale's climax involve the writers explaining that the cholera episode and everything that followed was just a fever dream and Babyface Maid is actually totally healthy and loving her new life as an innkeeper? Will Victoria and Albert continue to copy make-out techniques from the stars of The Notebook?

Only one way to find out! On with the show!

Our season finale begins with Albert still obsessing over hosting his glorified middle school science fair. This is the first time one of his random hobbies has managed to last more than a single episode. Congrats are in order!

In the Queen's office, everyone sits around while Victoria opens snail mail because Netflix and Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so there wasn't really much else to do.

Because the rule in this family is you must consider every first cousin as a romantic prospect, Bertie is eyeing up Xenadora's daughter, Edelweiss (yes, I know her name is actually Adelheid, but I'd rather make a reference to The Sound of Music because a. what a wonderful film and b. we should indulge any excuse to ruminate on how dashing Christopher Plummer was as Captain von Trapp).

Sure, a little kid having a crush is cute, but this makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn't put it past these people to actually hook these two up to preserve power and solidify continental alliances. Excuse me while I hunt for a historical spoiler because I'd like to know how grossed out I should be over the next hour.

*reads Bertie and Edelweiss' Wikipedia pages, somehow ends up spending 15 minutes reading about how kinky Rasputin allegedly got with one of Victoria's granddaughters*

Okay, I'm back. Bertie and Edelweiss do not get married to each other. Guess I won't be needing this puke bag after all. Phew!

Victoria receives a letter from Disney Villain about how Disney Princess has come down with an "inflammation of the brain that requires complete rest and seclusion." Somehow, the Queen fails to realize that's Abusive Husband Speak for "I locked her in her room because I'm the only one who gets to have frisky affairs around here!"

Later that afternoon, Albert tries to arrange a husband for Edelweiss because she's 16 going on Old Maid, by Victorian standards. Bertie promptly turns into the white guy blinking meme.

Remember back at the beginning of the season, when the French overthrew their monarch and forced that rich lady to flee with her cute dog?

Well, things are still very chaotic over there. There's now been a coup, involving Napoleon Bonaparte's even shorter nephew, Louis Napoleon, declaring himself Emperor. Lord Pam is excited by this because, like Marie Kondo, he loves mess.

Over at Disney World, Disney Villain says a bunch of menacing things to an imprisoned Disney Princess. I don't know about y'all, but I'm already quite ready for New Footman to kick down the door and carry her off to California.

While on a walk in the park, Lord Pam sneaks up on Xenadora with a proposition: Let's marry off Edelweiss to Louis Napoleon! She'd be Empress and outrank everyone, even Victoria! Xenadora salivates all over the front of her dress at the thought.

Back at the palace, Jo from The Facts of Life gets tired of no one doing anything to help Disney Princess, so she flat out asks Victoria: Hey, can I go over there and save the day again, like I did when I foiled Lord Pam's plan to shoot a bunch of Chartists in the street? Victoria agrees because she wants me to have a reason to make this gif again, but with Disney Villain's face:

If this season has taught us anything, there's nothing Lord Pam loves more than buddying up with foreign troublemakers the Queen doesn't approve of (shout out to the French rebels in the season premiere and that random Hungarian from Episode 3 who only ever gets around to shaving his chin and nothing else):

Well, add another name to that list of troublemakers because Lord Pam is at it again, this time sending congratulations to Louis Napoleon without approval from the Queen or his party. Now, the King of Prussia is pissed, which has made Albert pissed, which has made Victoria pissed, so yeah, this is bad. Prime Minister Pushover believes the scandal may cost Lord Pam his position as Foreign Secretary. But then what would we do for entertainment around here? Someone has to sprinkle drama on top of every episode.

Albert finds Xenadora and vents, OMG, can you believe Lord Pam cozied up to the Emperor of France? Only traitors would ever want anything to do with the French! Am I right or am I right?

Xenadora, who's hiding a beret, a baguette and a French language Rosetta Stone CD-ROM behind her back, smiles and slowly backs away.

After bribing a maid and finding out the truth behind Disney Princess' fake illness, Jo from The Facts of Life tells Victoria what's really going on at Disney World. Victoria asks New Footman to fetch Disney Villain. Uh oh! Maybe we don't need Lord Pam to bring the drama after all! By the look on Jo's face, she knows it's about to go down:

In the kitchen, New Footman yells about how he is going to snap Disney Villain's neck like a chicken's and then declares that he'll lay down his life if it means saving Disney Princess.

Because Jo didn't get a chance to stare down Disney Villain, Mean Butler will have to do.

Jo: "Don't look so surprised! You think a footman isn't capable of real feeling?"

Mean Butler: "A good looking young man could use a Duchess for his own advancement."

Jo: "Not everyone thinks like you!"

Mean Butler: "You don't think I'm capable of real feeling?"

Disney Villain is called to the principal's Queen's office to explain himself. He prattles on about how he had no choice but to lock Disney Princess up because she suffers from "hysterical nymphomania." Victoria doesn't waste any time laying down some feminist truth: "In my experience, men only call women mad when they're doing something inconvenient." She demands that he release Disney Princess at once and, before he has a chance to disagree, says "You may leave us, "which is polite British for "Get the F out of my face before I have you exiled."

That evening, Bertie runs into Victoria's bedroom and shakes her awake to announce that Albert is dead.

Victoria bolts out of bed and rushes to find that Albert is not dead, just napping. Bertie really needs to stay in tutoring, if he can't tell the difference between a sleeping person and a corpse. Then again, his 30-year-old mother just recently found out humans can't breathe underwater, so maybe I should cut him some slack.

The next morning, it's finally time for the Great Exhibition! We were promised the most impressive innovations from around the world. Instead, we got stylish taxidermied ferrets and musical frogs:

Before Victoria, Albert and the kids take off for the Exhibition, some Homeland Security guy, who turns out to be Nine Fingers from earlier this season, pops up to say that someone in the crowd might try to attack them. Victoria thinks the possibility over for a millisecond before saying, Meh, I've been shot at a bunch of times and the assassins always mess up. See y'all there!

The Great Exhibition Hall is a huge hit and no one tries to kill the Queen. Yay! But someone still might end up dead because a newly freed Disney Princess is already tempting fate by hanging out with New Footman in plain view. He has made arrangements for the two of them to leave for America later that evening; all she has to do is meet him at the train station. Disney Princess really wants to, but worries about leaving her son behind, so New Footman tries to ease her concern: Your son is basically an adult. 10 is the new 20! He'll be fine! Quite the flimsy argument, but let's just go along with it because I want to watch their 90210 spin-off.

New Footman spots Mean Butler spying on them and walks over to have it out. Their chat goes a little something like this:

New Footman: I quit!

Mean Butler: Sorry that I misjudged you as a scammer who was looking for a come-up. I can see that you actually had good intentions the whole time.

New Footman: LOL, no, you were totally right. I am a scammer looking for a come-up. I just happened to fall in love during this particular scam.

Mean Butler: This reminds me of a time a lady and I were...

New Footman: Yeah, I don't care. Bye forever!

Meanwhile, Vicky Jr. is introduced to the much older Prussian prince Albert has decided she will marry once she gets her period. And Edelweiss meets another cute-enough Prussian Albert picked out (damn, Al, one hobby at a time!). Bertie's little heart is crushed that he will never get the chance to incest it up with his cousin.

Someone else who is not pleased by Edelweiss being paired up with a Prussian is Xenadora, whose French vanilla fantasy has now been cancelled.

Okay, earlier in this recap, I mentioned the possibility of objectifying more royal men via a poll. That time has come because why not? Let's vote on who's cuter out of Edelweiss' two potential husbands:

Louis Napoleon?

Or this Prussian dude?

You decide!

In a different part of the exhibition hall, Disney Villain corners Mean Butler and demands to know the name of his wife's lover. But Mean Butler is good all of a sudden and tosses the little bribery ball sack and its three measly coins on the ground. Poldark did dramatically transferring money better:

Elsewhere, Bertie proposes to Edelweiss, who responds with, "Don't you think I'm a little too old for you?" Great point, but you missed this part: "...and don't you think it's alarming how we share a grandparent?"

Because she's also pretty much a child who doesn't have a firm grasp on what a secret is, Edelweiss blurts out that another reason she can't marry her 8-year-old first cousin is that her mother is already arranging her marriage to the French Emperor. Oh, boy, Bertie is totally going to run and tell his parents! This is about to get messy. To pull a mood from earlier in the episode:

In political news: After being censured by all the other old white dudes in power, Lord Pam decides to resign. On his way home, Xenadora runs up and is like, Hey, so about you hooking my daughter up with Louis Napoleon! Let's marry her off! Lord Pam shuts it down with a quickness: I don't have a job anymore. Something else I don't have: an F to give about you or your daughter. Peace out! It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.

Down the hall, Victoria senses Disney Princess' plan to ditch her kid for a man and proceeds to guilt trip her for even considering leaving her child behind. Don't listen to her, Disney Princess! 10 is the new 20! Go to America and enjoy New Footman's boat-censored parts for the rest of your days!

After the Exhibition, Edelweiss tries to make things up to Bertie by gifting him a piece of chocolate. He smacks it out of her hand and runs away. Maybe because it wasn't a Kit Kat, which I recently found out is the actor who plays Bertie's favorite sweet treat.

Bertie runs into Albert and tells him all about his heartbreak and how Xenadora is trying to marry Edelweiss off to Louis Napoleon. The revenge sirens from Kill Bill go off in Albert's ears.

When Albert tells the Queen how sneaky Xenadora is, Victoria uses every muscle in her body to suppress an "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" jig.

Before Victoria can celebrate being right all along, Xenadora strolls in and shovels more of her BS.

Xenadora: Hey, fam! Congrats on the exhibition and being the smartest, coolest brother-in-law ever! And thanks so much for hooking my daughter up with that Prussian dude, whom I totally want her to marry, especially cause he's not a stinky French person!

Albert: LIAR!

Xenadora: Fine, you caught me. I think Bertie is an idiot. I'm moving out. Bye!

Victoria tries to have a heart-to-heart with Xenadora and tells her she doesn't have to go, but Xenadora isn't hearing any of it. In her mind, she should've been Queen and that's that on that! Cold and heartless 'til the bitter end.

Across town, Disney Princess is packed and about to leave for the train station, when her son stops her to share a dream he had of her abandoning him. A little too on the nose, don't you think, Victoria writers? Meanwhile, New Footman waits at the station with no Disney Princess in sight. I'm thinking he'll be waiting there for quite some time. Thanks a lot, Disney Heir!

Back at the palace, Albert and Victoria revel in how successful the exhibition was. You know what else is successful? The acting prowess of Albert's left hand. Look at it go!

To make up for a season of being at each other's throats, Albert and Victoria reminisce about when she proposed to him and how happy they are with each other. They share a passionate kiss... and then Albert loses consciousness and collapses to the ground. Victoria screams his name over and over and, despite having hundreds of servants, no one comes to help.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: That Cliffhanger. Sure, we can Google Albert's death date to find out if this is really serious or not, but it's still rude! As is making us wonder whether Disney Princess really stood New Footman up or not.

HONORABLE MENTION: Ernst. Not even one measly appearance this entire season?? But they found the time to trot out everyone's least favorite character, Uncle Leopold? What gives? Sure, Ernst was probably busy applying that poison powder to his diseased penis, but he needs to get it under control 'cause Season 4 needs him.

BRONZE: Bertie. His incest wish may not have come true, but he's still a winner, considering how much screen time he grabbed all season. The actor who plays him is going to be able to buy so many Kit Kats!

SILVER: Edelweiss. Imagine having Xenadora as your mom. Or, worse than that, imagine your two suitors both being that butt ugly. But Louis Napoleon's genes aren't all bad; check out his hot son!

GOLD: Lord Pam and Xenadora. Love them or love to hate them, these two newbies brought the drama this season. Without them, it would have just been 8 full hours of Victoria and Albert arguing. And lord knows we've seen enough of that for a lifetime.

That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until Poldark starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or relive all my other Victoria / Poldark / Downton Abbey recaps!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People