In the previous episode of Game of Thrones, Varys got his butt torched for writing mean things about Dany in his Burn Book:
Dany stopped wearing under eye concealer
'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Finale Recap: Nevermind The End
Daenerys' troops pretend they're totally cool with genocide. (HBO)
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Jon Snow didn't help matters by making this unconvincing face after making out with Dany:
Completely over everything and everyone, Dany Pompeii'd the F out of King's Landing in a matter of minutes with little to no effort.
From her balcony, Cersei was in intense denial.
Until she wasn't.
Cersei whimpered "I don't like this!" before being murdered by a bunch of random rocks. We were robbed of Arya doing the honors, but I guess we should cut her some slack because she was very busy trying not to be turned to ash.
Okay, this is it! The last episode of Game of Thrones we'll ever see! I hope you pre-gamed like Janelle Monae:
Are you as excited as Kenny G?
What unearned plot twist will the Game of Thrones writers force on us this time? Let the devastation and Twitter ranting begin!
We find Tyrion walking through King’s Landing (or what’s left of it) and averting his eyes from all the extra crispy women and children sprawled all over the place. Varys’ neutered ghost wails overhead, TOLD YA SO!
Speaking of penis-less people, Greyworm is busy executing the handful of survivors from Cersei’s army. Jon and Davos are like, My dude, please have a modicum of chill! We won! Greyworm is like, Good talk, but nah! And slits a soldier’s throat.
Meanwhile, Tyrion takes a torch and heads down to the castle’s crypt to see if all your theories about Cersei somehow still being alive are true. It doesn’t take him long to find Jamie’s golden hand peeking out of some rocks. 100% dead. And so is Cersei. So her death really was that unsatisfying. Wow.
Outside, in front of all the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers, Dany makes quite the entrance that says, Not only am I a queen, I’m also a drama queen.
Dany thanks all the troops for being ride or die and tells them to get ready for some more bloodshed because they're not done slaying, I mean "liberating," innocents. She’s planning a field trip to Winterfell (stop feeding Ramsey's dogs now, Sansa!) and elsewhere to make sure everyone knows who’s the boss (hint: it's not Tony Danza).
Tyrion starts walking up behind Dany. OMG, is he gonna stab her??
Nope! But he does slice her with some words: “You slaughtered a city.” He takes off his cute little Hand Of The Queen broach and throws it down a bunch of steps!
So much better than a mic drop! Dany has him seized. Even if she kills him, that is a boss way to go out.
Jon watches Fascist Dany from the sidelines and thinks, Damn, I knew she would take me dumping her kind of hard, but this is really next level!
Out of nowhere, Arya, the undisputed GOAT of GoT, appears to tell Jon, Didn’t I say your girlfriend was cray cray banaynay??
I really hope Arya survives long enough to return to Winterfell and tell Sansa about all this craziness. I agree with the following Twitter user that the gossip session will begin like this:
Later, Jon visits Tyrion in his holding cell and the conversation doesn't go the way Tyrion imagined it would.
Tyrion: OK, that was nuts, amirite or amirite???
Jon: Well, she had her reasons.
Tyrion: WTF?!
Jon: They cut off her BFF’s head! And they did Rhaegal dirty too, so I can see why...
Tyrion:
Tyrion's last-ditch effort is reminding Jon that Sansa is too much of a badass to bend the knee. Does he really want to see her burnt to a crisp? Jon throws Tyrion one of these ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and walks out.
Outside, Jon is making his way to Dany when there’s a shift under the ashes. It’s Drogon waking up from a well-deserved nap (his throat must be so tired from committing all that genocide). Drogon is about to do some more killing until he realizes Oh, it’s just my stepdad. Carry on.
Inside, Jon walks in on Dany touching the Iron Throne for the first time while singing, "FINALLY IT’S HAPPENED TO ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!"
He interrupts her tune by screaming, YOU KILLED LOTS AND LOTS OF CHILDREN!
Her response: That’s not a lyric from this song. You’re so random! Anyway, isn’t this great?? We get to rule together now. This is how the story was always supposed to end and isn't in any way a very rushed botch job by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss!
Jon agrees and they make out. And then he sticks something in her.
Get your mind out of the gutter! It’s a knife!
Blood pours out of Dany's nose and mouth and, just like that, her brief reign of terror is officially over.
Huh. Well, that was underwhelming.
At least she didn't go out because of a little infection like Khal Drogo, but still.
Sensing something amiss, Drogon rolls up on Jon with a quickness. He nudges his mommy, but she doesn’t move. Who needs a live-action Lion King when we have this scene?
I don't know about y'all, but this has me all the way in my feelings.
Drogon looks at Jon like, Really, dude?! I knew my mom shouldn't have dated you!! He gets his throat flames ready and lets them rip!
But he aims for the Iron Throne instead, melting it all the way down, as if to say, Can y’all humans chill now that the ugly ass chair is gone??? Ok great. I’m taking this btw. Drogon grabs his mommy and flies away.
I love you, Drogon! Here’s hoping the only thing you ever have to toast again are s’mores.
Time passes. Greyworm brings a heavily bearded Tyrion outside to a panel of people. Arya is there! Sansa too! Gendry, Yara, Brienne and other VIPs! But we need to pause real quick and recognize one guest in particular. This guy:
He's a grown-up version of this mama's boy:
He aged, Neville Longbottom style! Turns out being breastfed until you're in your teens makes you hot. Who knew?!
Anyway, back to the actual plot...
Greyworm refuses to bring Jon out from his cell and Yara agrees that Jon must be brutally punished for sticking a knife in Dany's heart. Arya has some thoughts about that.
Arya: "Say another word about killing my brother and I'll cut your throat."
Go off, sis!
Yara knows she's no match for Arya so she promptly shuts the F up.
Tyrion tells them they need to elect a new ruler to make these kinds of decisions. A random dude none of us remember decides to embody the overconfidence of mediocre white men everywhere by nominating himself. Sansa quickly sets him straight with three words: "Please sit down."
CROWN HER ALREADY!
Despite being wrong about pretty much everything this entire series, Tyrion decides to give another TedTalk that no one asked for. He believes the ruler should be the person with the best story.
Okay, so Arya then. She trained with the best killers around and became faceless and blind. She killed the Night King without any backup. She had sex with Gendry one single time and had him proposing before the night was over. Best story, hands down.
Wait, what was that? For some reason, I just heard Tyrion say Bran.
Socially awkward Bran? The one who creeps everyone out and always talks like he just took a huge hit from a bong? That Bran??
I never saw this coming because it's such a dumb ending, but I guess I should have known, considering the trajectory of this season. Yikes.
Why is everyone listening to Tyrion anyway?! He's a prisoner! He snitched on his best friend and got him torched just last week! And he's part of the reason why King's Landing is a ruin!
Sansa is the first to say, Hey, everyone. This is a dumb idea! But everyone goes along with it because the writers of this show are just making things up on the fly at this point. Sansa is like, Ok fine, my weirdo baby bro can be king, but Winterfell is Winterfexitting from the kingdom.
It is decided that Jon won't be put to death but will be exiled to the Night Watch forever and disallowed from ever having sex again. Tyrion, on the other hand, gets to become the Hand of the King.
As he's being taken back up North, Jon pauses to say goodbye to Sansa, Arya and Bran. Arya tears up because she probably won't see him again. You see, she's going to sail out west to discover—and I guess colonize?—whatever is out there.
In the castle, Brienne sits down, looking through a book full of lords’ life stories. She finds Jamie's page and starts writing.
A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.
Actually, no. What she really writes is a very revisionist, d*ckmatized version of events. This is supposed to be sweet, I think, but I'm just annoyed they've reduced this amazing character to just someone who has a crush on Jamie Lannister.
There's a whole long scene involving Bronn (why did he survive?), Sam (again, why did he survive?), Tyrion and the other members of Bran's cabinet arguing about how to rebuild the kingdom. At this point, I can't even pretend to care. I'm sure they'll figure it out.
Up north, Jon arrives at the Wall and Tormund is there to greet him. At least these two can be BFFs until they're old and grey. This is one of the only things I like about this episode.
Wait a second! There's something I like even more than that.
JON SEES GHOST AND ACTUALLY PETS HIM THIS TIME!!!!!!
Now, a montage of all the Stark kids getting their own spinoff shows. Sansa is flexing like the queen she is in Winterfell. Arya is doing that arms-spread Titanic pose on some boat. Bran is... being Bran. And Jon follows a procession of wildlings into the woods until everything fades to black.
Wow. So that was the end of Game of Thrones, huh? My feelings on how the writers decided to end this once-upon-a-time wonderful show can best be expressed with the following six-second clip:
That's all, folks! It's been a pleasure watching along with you. If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!
Previous recaps:
'Game of Throne' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells
'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love
'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire
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