'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good

The wait for a new episode of Game Of Thrones is finally over!

Let's not waste any more time with introductions. On with the recap!

A millisecond into the intro and I've already gasped. R.I.P. The Wall!

Everyone in the seven kingdoms is about to be this lady:

Arya—or as I like to call her Queen Arya of the House Stark, the First of Her Name, Keeper of Lists, Queen of My Heart, the Unbothered—watches as hundreds of troops gallop into Winterfell to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. She spots blasts from her past, including Gendry, Clegane and her brother from another mother (and father, turns out), Jon Snow. She almost calls out to Jon but stops herself. Ugh, nothing has even happened yet and I already want to cry. This is going to be a very emotional and overwhelming six weeks.

Everyone looks solemn because, well, that's just what your face does when the world is ending. Also, I'm assuming that, like me, everyone is still mourning Viserion. *blasts the saddest Adele song and cries while stroking a photo of Viserion before he got ice blue contacts*

Okay, sorry, I promise to try and pull myself together. Tyrion helps me do so by cracking the first joke of the season, telling noted eunuch Varys: "You should consider yourself lucky. At least your balls won't freeze off."

We might be laughing, but Varys is not amused.

Elsewhere in the procession, Missandei and Grey Worm pretend not to notice that a whole bunch of these white folk are seeing black people for the first time.

The white folk are further spooked by their first sight of dragons. Rhaegal and Drogon show off, while their mommy smiles her approval from below. I swear, if anything happens to them, I will make my own Arya-style revenge list featuring the names of the show's writers.

(And yes, I just took the time to make this, even though I'm on deadline. That's how serious I am about the well-being of these dragons! But I digress...)

Jon Snow gallops through the Winterfell gates and rushes to kiss Bran. Watch how quickly Jon goes from Yay! My baby bro is all grown up now! to WTF! My baby bro is off-puttingly weird now! 

Want another super awkward encounter? Good. Daenerys walks up to Sansa and smiles in a I'm sleeping with your brother so it's best if we get along, but I will totally instruct one of my dragon babies to torch your head if I need to kind of way. Sansa smiles back in a I let dogs devour my ex; don't test me kind of way.

Bran interrupts their fake smile duel with a CliffsNotes version of how f*cked they all are: Hey, y'all! We don't have time for this BS! Your dragon was turned into a zombie, the Wall went kablooey and Waze says the zombie army's ETA is VERY SOON. So get your sh*t together! Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

After bringing all the North's VIPs together for a strategy session, Sansa proves that, although she might no longer wield power over this particular kingdom anymore, she does still wield the power of a withering side eye.

She's not the only one less than thrilled about Daenerys taking over. Our favorite grade school badass, Lady Lyanna Mormont, stands up to call Jon out: "Your Grace... but you're not, are you? You left Winterfell a king and came back a... I'm not sure what you are now. A lord? Nothing at all?"

Jon takes being eviscerated by a nine-year-old pretty well and explains that titles won't matter much if the Night King kills them all.

Sansa brings up the issue of not having enough food to feed a vast army and two huge dragons. Daenerys is too jet-lagged to keep up the fake smile charade. She's now graduated to flat out saying, I will totally feed you to my dragons if you keep testing me, little girl.

Because this episode hasn't been awkward enough, Tyrion approaches his ex-wife, Sansa, for a chat.

Tyrion: "Last time we spoke was at Joffrey's wedding. Miserable affair."

Sansa: "It had its moments."

Okay, if you don't stan for Sansa after the way she just savored the memory of Joffrey croaking, something's wrong with you. Honestly, if she's the one sitting on the Iron Throne at the end of all this, I won't be mad.

That joke is enough for Tyrion to forgive Sansa for bouncing on him without warning all those years ago. Plus, he's smart enough to know it isn't wise to bet against her: "Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now." Damn straight!

Speaking of underestimating women, Sansa can't believe Tyrion is falling for Cersei's pretend vow to send help. "I used to think you were the cleverest man alive." Ouch. If she's doesn't ease up soon, Tyrion is going to join the no-balls-left-to-freeze club.

Oh, would you look at the time! It's Bran-weirds-someone-else-out o'clock!

Out by the bleeding Weirwood tree, Arya sneaks up on Jon and accuses him of lying about his height on his driver's license:

Arya: "You used to be taller."

Jon: "How did you sneak up on me?"

Arya: "How did you survive a knife through the heart."

Jon: "I didn't."

They laugh and hug. Glad we can all chuckle about Jon's gruesome death now.

After comparing swords (like us, Jon is a Needle Fan Club member), Jon complains about Sansa not being nice to his aunt new girlfriend. Before Bran can pop up from behind the tree to give his WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BS! TedTalk again, Arya sets Jon straight:

Jon: "Sansa thinks she's smarter than everyone."

Arya: "She's the smartest person I have ever met."

Starks rule, Targaryen drool (while making out with each other).

Down in King's Landing, Cersei is informed about the Night King breaking through the Wall. Her sociopathic response does not disappoint.

And that's not the only bon mot she's got for us. Later that night, Euron Greyjoy tries to booty call Cersei. She slays him with a line that will surely be weaponized on dating apps for years to come:

After Euron reminds Cersei of the fact that, without his men, she'll be easily overthrown, Cersei reconsiders and lets him hit it.

And they're not the only ones getting it on. Elsewhere in the castle, Bronn is busy doing what he does best—having an orgy—'cause it's a day ending in y. Cersei's right-hand man interrupts the foursome with a proposition: A bottomless fund for prostitutes in exchange for murdering Jamie and Tyrion (if the zombies don't get to them first). Somewhere out there, Jamie's last remaining middle finger goes up in the direction of Cersei's bedroom.

Speaking of Cersei's bedroom, Euron is in there asking if he's better at sex than her brother.

Cersei: "You enjoy risking your neck, don't you?"

Euron: "Life is boring!"

Cersei: "You might be the most arrogant man I've ever met. I like that."

Euron: "I'm going to put a prince in your belly."

First of all, ew. Second of all, womb already rented out, dude. Sorry.

On a ship in the harbor, arrows shoot through a bunch of unsuspecting skulls. Oh, how we've missed you, Game of Thrones. After axing a guard right in the face, Theon rescues Yara, who immediately head butts him in the nose. Siblings: can't live with 'em, can't have an unfractured septum without 'em.

Back at Winterfell, this whole Daenerys vs. Sansa thing is still going on.

Daenerys: "Your sister doesn't like me. She doesn't need to be my friend, but I am her Queen. If she can't respect me..."

A few Dothraki interrupt, but we can already guess how that thought ends. Something to do with Sansa being turned into a tasty kebab for our two favorite reptiles.

Speaking of Drogon and Rhaegal, it's time for their close-up, Mr. Demille. Daenerys hops on one of them for a ride and encourages Jon to do the same.

Jon: "I don't know how to ride a dragon."

Daenerys: "Nobody does until they ride a dragon."

Jon: "What if he doesn't want me to?"

Daenerys: "Then I've enjoyed your company, Jon Snow."

Let's take a moment to savor this witty foreplay banter while they're still in the dark about their 23andMe DNA results.

After flying around for a while, they settle in front of a snow-covered waterfall.

Jon: "It's cold up here for a southern girl."

Daenerys: "So keep your Queen warm."

Okay, I get that I'm supposed to be grossed out by them being related, but I'm strangely into this.

What? Don't look at me like that! They've been through a lot! They deserve a few orgasms!

While they're licking the insides of each other's mouths, Jon Snow opens one of his eyes to find that not everyone is on board with this incestuous coupling.

Back at Winterfell, Arya rolls up on Clegane, who for some reason thinks it's a good idea to call her out:

Clegane: "You left me to die!"

Arya: "First I robbed you."

But she's not done roasting people. When noticing that her dagger is made of Valerian steel, Gendry says, "I always knew you were just another rich girl." To which, Arya claps back, "You don't know any other rich girls."

Elsewhere in the castle, Daenerys walks up to Samwell to thank him for curing Jorah of his psoriasis or whatever. Their conversation goes something like this:

Daenerys: Wait, your last name is Tarly?

Samwell: Yep!

Daenerys: Oh, I killed your dad.

Samwell: What?! *stifled sob* Well, he was a dick anyway. I guess the silver lining is that now I get to go back home 'cause my brother will be in charge and he's not so bad.

Daenerys: Um, yeah, about that... I killed him too. #Awkward! Anyway, thanks again for being my friend's dermatologist. See you around!

Samwell runs outside, crying, only to get hit by the Bran Weirdo Express. Bran tells Sam it's time to tell Jon that he's sleeping with his aunt. Someone hand Bran some popcorn 'cause he sure does live for the drama.

Sam finds Jon being emo in the crypt and breaks the news to him. Your new girlfriend killed my family. And she's your aunt.

This pretty much sums up Jon's reaction:

In some other part of the North, Tormund a.k.a. Ginger Daddy and a few others walk into an abandoned, bloody castle. They hear a bit of clanging and prepare to throw down, but it turns out to be a friend. Phew! But their friend is still spooked: "Stay back! He's got blue eyes!"

Tormund: "I've always had blue eyes!"

You have to appreciate the GoT writers' ability to weave in this many LOL moments into such a dark story. Alas, the laughter is short lived because OMG THERE IS A LITTLE BOY CRUCIFIED IN THE CENTER OF A PINWHEEL OF SEVERED LIMBS AND HE DOESN'T STAY DEAD FOR LONG!!!

Back at Winterfell, it's that time again: Bran Weirds Someone Out o'clock! But this one is way more loaded than the rest because Jamie is on the receiving end.

Jamie: Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!

Bran: 

End scene!

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!