'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

Before he jets, Albert is like, Oh, yeah, one more thing, I want a weekly allowance. Victoria is like, What's money? Also, what is a weekend?

Later, Albert sits through a seminar by his Uncle Leopold, titled How to Remind Your New Wife That Her Brain Is Smaller Than Yours and That You Will Do All The Thinking For Her Henceforth. The syllabus is basically this:

Boys rule.
Girls drool.
Having mistresses is cool.

Downstairs, it's time for the Victoria writers to force recycled Downton Abbey servant storylines down our throats. This time, there's a candle-selling crime ring for us not to care about. Also, a young male ingenue announces he wants to study and better himself, just like Downton’s Daisy. Again:

Victoria finds Lord M so he can explain what money is. He clues her in, and also spills that her Uncle Leopold still regularly receives £50,000 from his super-dead wife, all of which he uses to house his actress mistress. The ever-naive Victoria is like, Having sex with people you aren't married to?! That's a thing?!

List of Things Victoria Just Found Out About:

Infidelity
Stamps
Poor People
Money
Leonardo da Vinci

Coming soon:

What Penises Look Like
What Penises Do
Where Babies Come From

On the front steps of Buckingham Palace, Victoria and Albert say goodbye. It goes something like this:

Victoria: Oh, my beloved! How will I live a single minute without you getting mad at me for something really small and dumb? You complete me. And yeah, I'm the first one to ever say that because Jerry McGuire won't be released for another 156 years.

Albert: You have six weeks to get me my money. Oh, and I want a fancy title too. Later!

Right before he walks off, he puts his mouth really close to her neck and whispers the following like he's starring in a G-rated, 19th century version of Fifty Shades of Grey: "Imagine I'm kissing you here on your neck, and how often I want to kiss you when I return."

The next day, Victoria meets with the Privy Council to announce her intention to marry Albert. It's a chance for a bunch of old white dudes to decide whether they're cool with her right to choose what she does with her life and body. They are nowhere near cool with it. Is this 1840 England or 2017 America? Who can tell?

Members of the Privy Council start a rumor that Albert isn't even Protestant! And thus, the birther movement of the Victorian era is born.

Victoria storms out and demands that Lord M convince Parliament to just make Albert King Consort. Lord M warns that, if people get in the habit of making kings willy-nilly, they might realize that monarchy is a joke and that the billions in taxpayers' money spent on once-used gloves could go to something else. Victoria quickly responds: No title for Albert then. Anyway!

Over in Germany, Albert's dad is very jazzed about all the money this marriage is sure to send his way. He's going to fix the leaky roof! He's going to buy his mistress the latest Victoria's Secret fashions! Schnitzel and bratwurst for all!

Back in England, Parliament is like, Not so fast! They decide Albert will get half of what Uncle Leopold got. And definitely no title.

Meanwhile, Victoria is still processing the news of Uncle Leopold's actress mistress. The way "actress" is said makes the word seem like a stand-in for "ginormous whore." But Victoria is relieved that her uncle is the only man who would ever be so depraved as to have a mistress.

Victoria: "At least I know Albert doesn't have any secrets."

Lord M: "Well, that usually comes later, ma'am."

Victoria insists that Albert is not that kind of guy.

Lord M lets her keep thinking that:

Back in Germany, Albert whines in a sauna about pretty much everything. For you Poldark fans out there, who might be missing Masterpiece-approved manly chests, here's an underwhelming treat to tide you over until Ross gets back to scything:

Albert eventually puts his clothes back on and pens a letter to Victoria, which consists of the lyrics from Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Back at Buckingham Palace, Victoria freaks out every time someone brings up the fact that she's totally going to get cheated on. She distracts herself with wedding planning. She decides her dress will be white, instead of the customary gold brocade. All her friends give each other stank Ewww, she's so tacky! looks behind her back, especially this friend:

In Germany, Ernst surprises Albert by taking him to a brothel. Albert is not in the mood.

Ernst explains, Dude, I just want you to be good at sex! "Our dear little cousin will thank you for it."

While Ernst is off engaging in a casual orgy, Albert nervously makes out with a woman named Gretchen. She tries to get to second base and Albert interrupts: Um, instead of grabbing Lil Al, can you grab a notepad and a pen instead? I want you to draw a diagram of a vagina and write down what I'm supposed to do to it.

Gretchen, being the humanitarian that she is, recites Monica's "Seven Erogenous Zones" monologue from Friends:

Meanwhile, having just found out that her dad was a cheating bastard like every other man she's ever met, Victoria tries to get her mother to reassure her that Albert isn't already messing around with the Gretchens of the world. Victoria's mom cannot tell a lie:

"Albert? No. Not yet anyway..."

A few days later, Albert returns to town. Victoria immediately holds a title ceremony to avoid any more of his emo whining. He shall be a Knight of the Garter. Sounds cool! But not cool enough for Albert, King of the Mopey Mopers. He wants a seat in the House of Lords, like Lord M! And more money! And... waaaaahhhhh.

A live feed of Albert:

Also this:

Victoria tries to calmly tell Albert he needs a nice, long nap:

But he keeps on Veruca Salt-ing:

veruca

So Victoria pulls a true boss move and announces to the entire room that Albert is tired and will be taking a nap now.

That night, Victoria finds comfort in spooning Dash. She should've listened to him, when he was barking up warnings during the last episode.

The next day, Victoria has had enough. She runs all around the property to find Albert and have it out. When she finds him, he POINTS A SABER AT HER THROAT.

Unfortunately, she doesn't slap the crap out of him. Instead, she promises that, even though she's a Queen, she'll make sure to always obey him.

Meanwhile, back at home, the lead butler is in love with a visiting German maid. He sent her all kinds of sexy emails over the past year, but she never got any of them! Spam folders: ruining lives since 1840.

Some time passes. It's time for Victoria's wedding! She decides that she wants a normcore ceremony (no diamonds, only boob flowers).

Albert's vows:

"With this ring, I thee wed..." (Sounds very familiar. He totally copied Michelle Obama's wedding vows!)

"With my body, I thee worship..." (Thanks to Gretchen's diagram, I bet he will!)

"And with all my worldly goods, I thee endow." (LOL, he doesn't have any -- he's not even a Lord -- but that's a nice thought.)

Albert then says "Amen," as if he's saying "I'mma put a baby in you sometime within the next 15 minutes."

After the ceremony, Victoria finds Lord M to essentially serenade him with a farewell rendition of "I Will Always Love You." They briefly kiss on the cheek, and Lord M watches Victoria skip on her way to lose her virginity. Lord M goes home to binge-read some trashy novels and then die of old age.

Upstairs, Victoria is undressed and ready for action. Albert comes into the bedroom, Gretchen's vagina diagram seared into his brain. They lock eyes and think, Let's do this.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Albert. The embodiment of First World Problems.

HONORABLE MENTION: Uncle Leopold's Actress Mistress. All publicity is good publicity, right?

BRONZE: Dash. He's a loyal spooner, always right, and super duper cute. Bless him and his little broken paw.

SILVER: Incest. Inter-family relations continue dominating royal family trees. You get a club foot! And you get a club foot!

GOLD: Gretchen. So wise. So charitable. Canonize her already!

Until next week! If you miss me, read some of my other work or follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain